***Fair warning: the word “feel/feeling” will come up a lot in this post. Replace it with a fun word like onomatopoeia or bushwhacking, if you need a break from the repetition.***
Hey you. Feeling guilty? Feeling stuck? Feeling so many feels that you just need to ignore because if you acknowledge them then you’ll explode? I see you.
I see you because I’m somewhere between crying every day and being so distant from feelings that I might as well be a zombie. Though lately I’m in quite an odd head space. I feel guilty for reflecting on my own injustices and frustrations. I feel guilty for expending even the tiniest amount of energy on myself. I feel guilty for feeling.
If you’re similar to me (personality-wise), you tend to deflect when the topic of conversation is nearing the edge of self-examination and external processing. So spending any time talking about yourself seems unorthodox…almost wrong. Sound familiar? Thought so. Honestly, I don’t want to share. I can process everything on my own time and then I don’t have to burden anyone with my “problems”. Though, this is where it gets dicey. If I continually deal with all the thoughts and feels solitarily and leave others in the dark, I tend to end up overwhelmed by my own self.
This is where I’m stuck: in the middle of extreme guilt and overwhelming thoughts. You want to know why I feel so guilty? My baby should be getting every ounce of my attention. He deserves that. Right now, I feel unworthy of this role as his mother. If you’ve never been here, it’s a really sucky place to be. I don’t feel like the person he needs me to be – I feel unsure. I feel distant. I feel less than.
Let’s lighten the mood, shall we? With Thanksgiving and Christmas right around the corner, I am trying to make these days so special for my little family. I want to focus on the joy that accompanies this season and make all the “now memories”.
I pray you’re not stuck, but if you are, I am here for you. We’re in this together. Tell me what you’re feeling, and I will cry with you and encourage you through it all. It’s ok, mama/friend. Don’t hold back.