The local farmer’s market should bring one joy and good feelings. I, however, remember a time when that was certainly not the case for me. As I was journeying alongside my former roommate and her pup through the massive sea of people, I suddenly became very aware of my surroundings. My breathing was stiff, shortened and difficult. I was running into everyone (or they were all running into me). Faces engulfed my vision and I was lost.
Forgive me, but anxiety attacks can suck it. I assume some part of me thought after I had my little man, everything would be brighter. I allowed myself to believe that happiness, love, excitement, thankfulness, adoration and all the good things would overwhelm me – causing me to plateau at a utopian paradise. While I did experience each of those wonderful feelings (and life WAS brighter), I still could not escape that pesky anxiety. The sky in my utopia is a bit cloudy. Ugh.
Before I get any further in this narrative, I want to tell you that my son is not the reason or cause for any of these emotions/experiences. He makes every one of my moments better and he has my heart. It’s the hormones that will not give me a break. I fear that this uninvited anxiety will accompany me always. I will go through each day ill-prepared for what lies ahead. I will be unable to explain why I have to leave a room or cannot attend a dinner party. I will be stuck.
Pre-pregnancy, the anxiety attacks were few and far between. They were purely situational/sporadic. Postpartum anxiety is a whole other ballgame.
Leave it to Michael Scott to say the perfect thing. All kidding aside, if you add self-induced pressure to have it “together” to that meme, it pretty much sums it up.
There are some times I feel like I just can’t. Then I feel like a helpless child for even thinking such a thing. Postpartum anxiety is almost debilitating. It’s lonely and frustrating and all sorts of gross. Nevertheless, it’s constantly teaching me how to cope and to whom I should cling.
P.S. This is only Part One. I hope these words are bringing some sense of normalcy to your life. Part Two will hit the interwebs soon.